You might be asking yourself at this juncture, "Why go on?" "What's left to live for?" "How is she going to make it?"
1. I don't have much of a choice. Have I considered suicide? Yes, and it is not a joke or lie. I have also considered that the only reason I am still here may be sheer stubbornness tied to some false sense of hope.
2. I'm not really sure. I will be broke again soon, I am living in my friend's spare bedroom, and the man I wanted to marry decided he didn't love me anymore. When I write down everything that's important to me and put it out on a table before me, it might look something like this:
Those are the things that I really care about. If I sit down and think about what I could not live without, that is the short of it. There are many things that I would like to include in that list, like traveling, camping, and activism for animals and the environment, but all those things seem so far away now. I still wear my jeans a couple times before I wash them and make sure that I sort my garbage into the green bin and recycling, but the struggle for survival has been going on for so long, that I can't remember what it was like to be young and worry about the problems of the world instead of when my next paycheck is.
Somehow with all of my stuff in storage, I have been able to manage some artwork and thanks to this wonderful laptop I am still connected for writing and networking, however the writing hasn't come so easy lately. I have had to put a lot of time into painting in the hopes that I will make some extra cash and now the pressure is on that it has to be THE cash, until I can find another occupation.
3. How is she going to make it?
Fuck if I know. Naturally, I am applying for jobs. I have also applied for EI, considering my previous employers let me go without warning and without explanation. To labour board or not to labour board? That is the questions, but am I the kind of person that holds on to things and doesn't let go? Not really. Normally I want to move on and hope for something better, but depending on finances, I may need to stand up and fight for myself.
The power of a handful of individuals spreading rumours and lies should never be underestimated. One week I am pulled into a meeting where I am accused of outrageous slander and ridiculous concepts of deceit, the next I am let go because "it's not a good fit." I am not sure I'll ever really know what happened, but I do know that it was the first time I've ever truly loved a job and the first time I've ever been fired.
There have been so many jobs that I have despised and hated with every inch of my being, but this was the first time in my life that I was excited to get up in the morning. I never thought I was capable of it. I suppose that is what hurts the most, losing something I loved again.
If the young woman (and women) who was responsible for sowing these seeds of deceit that lead to my termination reads this, I just want you to know, that I will not simply lay down and die. I want you to know, that despite getting me fired, I know that I will do better than you and that I pity whatever hurt you carry that causes you to be the way you are. Getting me fired isn't going to solve the problem that you're simply not nice and no one likes you. If you dig the hole deep enough, soon it will be large enough to be a grave.
Bitterness aside, I have a lot to think about. It seems I am to ever walk the path of the fool. A reference to the tarot card, representing many things, but among them, a person starting at zero with no attachments and nowhere in particular to go; endless possibility. Like the raven and coyote too, animals I adore in life and in myth and legend, the comedy and life lessons never seem to end.
So, thanks to my friend Melanie and to the help of my family and friends, I will try to continue on and see where this new road takes me. Hopefully I will find something else I love to wake up to and a home to follow after it.